i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
