3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
