My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
my poor anus
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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