its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
