do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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