How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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