Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
