You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
