I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
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