Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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