I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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