I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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