I'm passing your future prison.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
