I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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