RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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