i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
