he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
