I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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