i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
