I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
