Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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