I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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