So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
