im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
