i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
