Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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