last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Holy sore nipples Batman
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
