Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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