I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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