I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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