I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
