Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
