6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
