Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
