theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
