Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
