you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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