You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
