a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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