It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
