Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
