He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
