I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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