Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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