just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
