I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
