it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
