Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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