i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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