You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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